Change happens very, very fast.

I get emails from the universe. I suggest everyone signs up for them (www.tut.com) - they are a nice thing to look forward to in the morning and most of the time they give a burst of inspiration and motivation. Or sometimes the email makes me think, 'oh yes, I knew that, but I have somehow forgotten...'

This morning the Universe totally hit the spot. It sent the perfect email. With a few simple words it summed up everything I have been feeling and brought me to tears: 

Everything can change so very, very fast. And, Chelsea, it usually does. Click,     The Universe

I've heard it been said that the only thing that ever stays the same is that things are always changing.  Man, isn't that the truth!?!! And I'm horrible at change so I'm in trouble! I try my hardest to hold on to the way things are or the way things have been - even when it isn't good for me. But even when it is good for me, everything can change so very, very fast - and there is nothing I can do about it. So why not just roll with it? 

Right now I am trying my hardest to roll with the fact that my mom is dying and I am majorly sucking! I am learning that it isn't helpful to think up of new ideas for her to try - you know, so maybe she can heal herself.  I want her to be healthy and happy and I want her to watch me be a mother. Maybe it's because I want to call her when I have questions about what to do when I have 'new mom' kind of questions. I want to call her and talk about my life with her and have her help me as I navigate all this wedding shit.  But she is sick  and I can't do any of that - she doesn't have the bandwidth. My ideas of how my mother would be in my life has changed so very, very fast and I'm having a hard time keeping up - and it's making me sad - sometimes to the point of paralysis.

When I came out of the closet my mom responded to one of my blog posts (I came out on my blog and blogged religiously during that time - it helped me cope). She said that she was mourning some of the things she dreamt for me since the day I was born. She went on to say that the best things about life is you can dream new dreams and that the new dreams she was dreaming for me were even better than the others, despite the mourning. I didn't quite know what she was talking about until now...

I am in a state of mourning. Like, I am having a hard time getting out of bed sometimes and I randomly sob without warning. I am mourning the dreams I dreamt of how my life would be as an adult  and the role my mom would play. I dreamt of mom coming to Seattle to help me move into a new apartment or help plan my wedding or just come for a weekend to hang out and talk. I dreamt of being able to call her any time of day or night for whatever reason I wanted or needed. I dreamt of having her always being my person to lean on, no matter what. It's time to dream new dreams because those things aren't gonna happen. Things have changed.

My new dreams consist of getting through losing her a better person with more compassion. I hope to have a greater ability to relate to others. Perhaps this experience will somehow make me a better parent. I am learning to dream of not having the death of a parent looming over my head (it's been looming for nearly 20 years) - a time when there isn't a single part of me that is nervous when I get an unexpected call from a family member - I always wonder what kind of news/diagnosis I am going to hear about. I dream of mom not suffering any more. I want her to be free from the pain and tubes and the awkward oxygen tank and I want her to be able to run and garden and BREATHE again.

I am excited for my heart to worry and ache over new things. I am excited to call my dad and talk about something other than the status of mom. Curtis too. Actually, the entire family. It seems that moms health is the constant conversation and has been for the last 6 years. I dream of having new conversations with them- conversations about making the world a better place and about places we want to travel together.

I feel like a bad daughter for dreaming new dreams. I feel bad for saying this out loud and I feel weird that I am writing about it. But I have to write about it. Writing is my therapy.

Change is hard. I am mourning.

And it just isn't about my mom - I am learning that all relationships - friendships and otherwise - change  so very, very fast.  Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. That is just about the stupidest. It is a KILLER for me. Some  people that I thought would be in my life forever aren't around for long at all and that especially sucks. Sometimes it's because distance takes you away or maybe some kind of personal conflict. Or maybe interests or priorities changes. Whatever the reason, ouch, the absolute worst!

I am trying to roll with the changes that are happening within myself, too. And there is a lot! I'm telling you (bringing up mom again), being around sickness and death while thinking about getting married does weird stuff to a person. My needs and desires have changed. My perspectives are different. A lot of the things that are important to me now weren't even thought of a few weeks ago. My ideas about marriage and God and kids have changed. The way I see the world and treat other people have been altered - and it's all happened so very, very fast. 

I wish I had a conclusion to all this change. I don't. Acknowledging it is a big step for me. So I will acknowledge it and then continue to try to live in my life and make it the best I can as it is right now.  RIGHT NOW. Not how it was or how I want it to be but how IT IS right now.

Thanks, Universe, for stating the obvious in a way that spoke to me.

Click,
Chelsea